either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
