I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize