Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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