I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
