I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
