I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
