Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
