I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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