so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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