I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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