I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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