you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
