I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
