I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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