i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
