I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
