Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
