You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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