your thong is hanging out like whoa
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
