Umm I'm too high to move.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
