happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
