Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
