The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
