babies were throwing up all over the place
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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