If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
