I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
