I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
