all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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