new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You're like the curious george of whores
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
