I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
