Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
