I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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