I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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