last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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