My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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