Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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