When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
