my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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