I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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