Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize