I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
