I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
