We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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