I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
