he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I am available for nakedness
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
