I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The adults are the big ones right?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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