yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
