I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
