I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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