i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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