After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize