Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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