I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
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