it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
