Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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