I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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