so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
