According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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