My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
