i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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