Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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