and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
