i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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