Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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