So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
