I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
