They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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