My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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